pure c-a-r-d-i-a-c arrest - day 28

ok; so its not exactly 30 days of insanity. its actually 4 weeks and today appears to be the last day.

after 28 days, i have yet to yearn for quality shaun t time. (i'm not really a 'kool-aid' drinker in the cult sense, in the literal sense, i'm all over a pitcher of black cherry). i do; however, enjoy his presence in my living room just a little (it doesn't hurt that most of the time he's shirtless). i DO have a burning desire to rub my hands all over his sweaty chest though.

out of the 28 days, i only skipped two, but those days i had a date with my lance armstrong elliptical.

the 6-pack is still playing hide-and-seek and my ass has not stepped up to the plate yet. i'm hoping the next 30 days works a miracle on my tired old muscles.

no more selfies of my fleshy bod until i look like a 25 year old.

to be continued.

day 24

previously on insanity:

day 21 was a barf-inducing 40 minutes of cardio power and abs.
day 22 i was a quivering lump of barley & hops detritus from the previous day's brewfest so i skipped the insanity and did the elliptical machine instead.
day 23 i executed the previous days insanity workout of cardio power & resistance.

which brings us up to today -- day 24: plyometric cardio circuit. i like this one (when i'm finished). during the workout, there is lots of abuse being hurled at the television. once the workout is done i'm happy as a clam (how do we know clams are happy? where did this statement originate?).

lindy (my emergency backup dog) is quite mesmerized by the whole thing initially, then after about 20 minutes, this:

still not sure i'm seeing results of the beating i'm giving my body though. i still weigh 120 and my clothes seem to fit the same. maybe i should do the diet too (not). i need to come up with my own diet that consists of the following:

peanut butter (the predominant food of my daily "nutritional" consumption)
peppermint mochas (no whip cream, god forbid)
cheese
peanut butter on crackers
wine
almond butter on different crackers
peanut butter on waffles
margaritas
chips & salsa
twizzlers
steak
hummus
belvita
man-salad
peanut butter on bananas

on to day 25. then i either need to purchase the entire insanity set on dvd or get my twiggy friend carolyn to loan me the rest. if i order online i get the insanity t-shirt, so that i can show everyone its possible to workout and remain chubby (maybe its the skippy super-chunk who is to blame).

tomorrow is cardio recovery (which is defined as: "restoration or return to any former and better state or condition". to that i say "HA"!

ts

 

insanity: day 21 - there's an 8th dwarf . . .

. . . and his name is pukey. there is a fine line defining how much water one should consume while going insane; today i crossed it. should you pause pure cardio for a barf break or just let the insanity cult finish out their exercises while you pant and hurl in the corner?

i always feel better when i'm finished and today is no exception. i have yet to get on a scale, so i don't know if i've lost any weight (don't think i have as the pooch remains intact). but i feel stronger and can now do the one legged hamstring stretch without falling over.

this is the last week - not sure what happens after this. i foresee a date with sir lance: my beloved elliptical machine in the near future.

yesterday i was a loser . . .

. . . today i'm sweating like a whore in church.

i didn't work out yesterday (wtf). i was working and basically my excuse is i'm a lazy pile of flesh. it WAS cardio recovery day, so i did the recovery my own way -- with a nice pinot noir.

today was cardio incompetence and submission and i scored high marks. 3 things:

1) moving pushups are bullish*t.
2) smacking the ceiling fan is inevitable during power jumps.
3) global jumps are a trip to nowhere.

i swear i'm losing a wee little bit of the muffin top though.

on another subject not related to shaun t and his crazed bouncing, i'm taking a dna test today (not because i'm concerned about being the wayward father of anyone), but because i want to know exactly what kind of a mutt i am. the kit from ancestry.com requires me to 'fill a tube with saliva'. i'm sure i don't have that much spit. i think there's a dirty story in there somewhere, but i'm not there yet.

tomorrow is plyometric cardio something or other. i can't wait.

tricia

day 17 -- "this sh*t is bananas" (b-a-n-a-n-a-s)

shaun t wasn't kidding when he uttered this bleeding obvious statement of truth about today's 'pure cardio' workout. its a bit unsettling when mr. insanity himself says he's nervous about the workout. i keep thinking this is going to get easier, but then my girth crushes my delicate ankles during the running/lunging/leaping sequences and i become an injured cow. i did however complete 10 whole jumping jack pushups, although my ass was in the air the whole time and it was more like a downward-facing dog mating dance of sorts.

after suffering through the pure cardio cycle of hell, it was time for everyone's favorite - cardio abs. i feel like someone has been using my uterus as a punching bag. the hunt for the elusive 6 pack continues; its apparently buried in a box of twinkies.

maybe there's an age limit for a 6 pack, like daisy dukes, 3-day music festivals and shotgunning a beer.  perhaps i should give up on defining my abs since they've been squishy for so long. or i could just get one of these:

tomorrow is cardio recovery. i hope it lasts for at least a week.

day 13 - double cardio suck

i'm not gonna lie - today won the prize for the ultimate level of suck. all of the words i can think of to describe the beating i just endured at the hands of shaun t. rhyme with "smother bucker" and similar variations of other expletives.

today's double-whammy workout consisted of 'pure cardio' and 'cardio abs'.  my abs don't want to cardio. they're quite happy ensconced in their kingdom of french fries. my knees are still screaming, my butt is achy, even my toes are throbbing.

tomorrow is the off day; whining will resume on saturday.

tricia (weaker, slower, whipped)

p.s. i think i'd like a cronut now.

day 12 - i think i've found my core

today's insanity was 'cardio power & resistance'. not sure about the 'resistance' part: i'm trying to resist doing the workout at all, but sean t's thighs are tough to ignore, as are the abs of that shirtless guy with the braids.

i actually LIKE parts of this workout --  i can do the hurdle jumps and belt kicks all day long. but the moving push-ups kick my ass. i can barely do a real push-up; i have to do the girlie kind. and don't get me started on the power jumps. we have a pier and beam house, so when i do these, it sounds like an elephant is stomping through the living room. the pets are perpetually frightened.

today's bonus: i think i've found my ever elusive "core". its that nasty painful bitch right above my belly button that screams in agony every time i move, right? my core is intent on remaining a haven for wayward peanut butter filled pretzels and cheese wheels. but i will beat it into submission. there is a 6 pack in my future (and i'm not talking about those picnic packs of sutter home).

on to day 13.

tricia

Not so insane - day 11

today was 'cardio recovery' day which involves lots of planks, plies and squats (i'm all set if i'm in the woods and am experiencing the lack of a proper toilet). i like the recovery day, but if i'm not sweating buckets, i don't feel like i've truly worked out. still trying to figure out how to 'engage my core'. so i did 30 minutes on the elliptical too (while watching the real housewives of beverly hills :-)). then i cancelled everything out by eating 17 tablespoons of peanut butter. 

here's my new knee stabilizer thingie. it makes me feel like a bad ass. i'm thinking of wearing it everywhere so people will think i work out really hard. 

tomorrow is more cardio b.s. i can't wait.

i'm pretty sure i haven't lost a pound. but at least i can say i'm doing insanity (and i have the knee brace to prove it).

19 more days . . . 

tricia

i'm still alive - day 10

alright, maybe it's more like 40 minutes of jumping around. but i'm powering through.

i have been dedicated in my commitment to the insanity program and have made it to day 10. i was (perhaps unrealistically) expecting to drop 47 pounds in the first week. i have yet to reach that goal -- could be the half a jar of peanut butter, the steak, the pizza and the 3 man-salads i have consumed this week.

but so far i feel good (despite the continuous, sharp throbbing in my knee) and i feel powerful when its over (when i'm in a puddle on the floor cussing at the television). it is truly a beautiful sight.

i have a love/hate relationship with sean t (the king of insanity) and for no reason at all i can't stand the sight of tonya (one of his minions).

tomorrow is the sort of easy day - looking forward to no jumping-jack-push-up ridiculousness.

tricia (harder, better, faster, stronger) and insaner

Insanity-Day 1 and Day 2

who can't do 20ish minutes of hopping around like an 8 year old? i figured it would be a piece of cake (or NOT -- i don't think cake is allowed in Sean T's "insanity" program). day 1 was a fit test. alright -- i'm fit, sort of. i work out every day for 45 minutes to an hour. but despite this frequent aerobic activity, my ass is still beginning to look every bit of 50. thought i'd shake things up a bit with the "insanity" workout as recommended by my fabulously fit friend carolyn - she is a skinny b*tch who makes the rest of us look like water buffalo.

day 1 is actually a fit test. i started out strong with the switch kicks; a little slower with the power jacks and power knees. but when i arrived at power jumping, my old bones started to protest. the globe jumps frankly just p*ssed me off and i thought i was going to pass out when i arrived at the low plank obliques at the end. 

persistence is key though and i powered on to day 2 -- what is referred to as "plyometetric cardio circuit". this particular program of leaping about includes such fun things as power squats and jumping jack-type push ups from hell. 

again i powered through and am looking forward to tomorrow - if i am able to move. i think i've caused permanent damage to my right ass cheek.

this is obviously the most unflattering pic ever: pre-day-3-workout. i'm really putting "insanity" to the test because i ate (almost) an entire bag of ruffles for dinner last night. i'm not showing my abs cause its just a giant "1-pack" and i look like miss jet puff marshmallow.

 

more whining tomorrow.

27 days from a 6 pack.